my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
