You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
