I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
