My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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