My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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