Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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