Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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