I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
