4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Someone shattered a urinal.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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