I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
