I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
