Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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