we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
