Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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