bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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