Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
