I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
