Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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