In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
