i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
