she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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