weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
