do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
