also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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