Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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