guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
