dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
