Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
