the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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