Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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