i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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