thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
