I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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