Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
