Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
