Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
