it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
