It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
