Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
