And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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