i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
