If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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