I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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