It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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