New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
