Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
