I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
