well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
