Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
