Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
